How do you create a relationship of trust with students?
What does an honest and authentic relationship with students look like? And how is it best achieved?
Santino Filoso
At its core, student counselling boils down to relationships. In my experience, all strong relationships are built upon a foundation of trust and authenticity.
The question then becomes: “How can I be honest and authentic with my students?” The answer is: by adopting a social-emotional learning approach.
But what does that mean exactly? And what does it look like in practice?
Counselling students: be present and visible
To start with the very basics, if students don’t know where to find you, then they’ll never seek you out. Make sure you are present and visible by frequently wandering the hallways and engaging in small talk with students. Initiate conversations as students enter the school, take breaks at the same time that they do, and eat meals at the same time as them.
The more familiar students are with you, the more likely they are to visit you. Consider putting up signs that include your room number – or simply remind students where you are during the day when you speak to them.
Something that’s often overlooked but that has proven crucial at my school is that my office is a welcoming place where students feel cosy and safe. It is decorated with plants and colourful artwork. No need to break the bank: simply printing something off in colour and laminating it will do the trick. I have various mementos that reflect my personality and invite questions, and my desk is medium-sized and round, ensuring comfortable physical proximity.
Treat students as equals
Once students have sought you out, the next phase is to build trust. This is not a process that happens overnight, but it will happen naturally if you treat students respectfully, as equals, and if you are fair and non-judgemental. It’s also vital always to maintain students’ confidentiality (with obvious safeguarding caveats).
When students are talking to you, listen respectfully to what they are saying. Don’t talk over them, don’t interrupt with your thoughts and opinions, don’t try to rush them, and don’t fiddle with your phone or computer. They need to know that when they seek you out, your attention will be focused entirely on them.
Asking probing – but not invasive – questions. Get to know their likes, dislikes, hobbies, talents and dreams. As important as it is to know the student academically, knowing them as a person, on a personal level, helps establish trust.
Always highlight the potential positives of any situation. Seek to lead students in a specific direction, but not to an exact destination. Encourage them as much as possible and, if the situation allows for it, work humour into your conversation. In my experience, a little laughter goes a long way.
Above all, be honest
It’s important that, at the end of your conversation, the student should feel supported. That doesn’t mean promising something you can’t actually deliver – in fact, this should be avoided at all costs. But the student should feel heard and have some kind of game plan or idea about how to proceed.
Above all else, you must be honest. If asked something you truly cannot answer, there is no shame in admitting that, but reassure the student that you will do everything you can to find an answer. At the very least, you should have a direction to point them in by your next conversation.
Social-emotional learning is a complex process that will test your skills, attitudes, values and behaviours. But as long as you remain honest and authentic, your students will be well served.