Whose career choice is it – students’ or parents’?
Parents can have very definite ideas about which are suitable degrees and which are just ‘games’. But no child should be coerced into a career that doesn’t match their skillset, says Fareha Yusuf
Fareha Yusuf
Even the most courageous parents can waver when it comes to their children following an unconventional career path. In Pakistan, where I work, parents tend to believe that you either become a doctor or an engineer or you are “lost”.
As counsellors, we quickly realise that most parents hold the reins when it comes to steering their child’s future. Parents beam happily when they hear that their children want to become doctors or engineers, and the process is a smooth one. But tell a parent that their child wants to become an artist or a singer, and watch them turn pale.
Parents are desperate to see a future engineer or doctor graduating before their eyes. All counsellors have seen freaked-out students toil hard to become doctors they never wanted to be in the first place, simply to please their parents. In one such case, the child left medicine after graduating and opted for teaching instead. This was her way of showing her parents that their dream was not her passion. In another, less happy case, the child had a breakdown and ended up seeing a doctor, rather than becoming one.
Is it a game – or a serious profession?
Arts, music, theatre, dancing and sports are still considered games by many parents – they are not viewed as serious professions. One of my students was offered a place at Yale University to study literature, but his mother insisted that he study medicine at a local college instead. Fortunately, one of his uncles came to his rescue and he ended up graduating from Yale.
The battle between passion and hope on the one side, and convention and stereotype on the other, rarely ends happily for anyone – but particularly not for the students involved. For them, it can often end in burnout and demotivation, or with stress, anxiety and depression.
It is interesting to note that whenever demanding parents are asked if they are doing today what their parents wanted of them, the majority will change the subject. A counsellor’s life is full of such stories: one generation acting in exactly the same way their own parents did, in an attempt to make the child happy and successful.
Engineering success
The role of the counsellor is tricky but pivotal in assisting both the parent and the child during this decision-making time. In most cases, the parents are victims of societal pressure and tend to view certain professions as being more financially secure than others. They believe that security is the path to happiness; they do not understand that that their children would be happiest if allowed to choose their own paths.
During my meetings with such parents, I often ask them if they know any successful artists, and they immediately name Picasso or Leonardo da Vinci. I then ask them if they can name a successful engineer. Most often they can’t.
I will also turn on the National Geographic channel on YouTube. There we see a photographer, hanging from a helicopter in order to document a certain landscape. Once I see the parents’ attention locked for a few moments on that scenario, I mumble “ah, what days those were”.
Then I gently lead the discussion on to drones and new technology. More often than not, the parents agree that the pace of change in the modern world is unprecedented. I let them take this home for our next meeting.
Understanding parents’ fears
The next meeting is often an improved version as parents open up to the prospects of new careers in emerging fields.
While we as counsellors do understand parents’ fears, we need to gently show them the hopelessness experienced by children who know that what their heart finds magical is dust to their parents.
No child should be coerced into a career that is not aligned to their skillset. They are going through a period of self-discovery, and they will never be able to reach their full potential unless they are allowed to forge their own paths. Forced career choices often result in lack of progression, dissatisfaction and poor performance at work.
As counsellors, we need to educate parents about the breadth and diversity of the current job market. A child who is good at art and at physics or maths can become an architect. A child who loves sports can become a physiotherapist.
We must be active listeners. We have to help the parents open up and discuss their fears and concerns. Empathy is the key to successful communication.