Our vice-chancellor has reacted angrily to the assertion by Professor Richard Drayton of King's College London that "vice-chancellors and many administrators have been active quislings" in the recent debate over government policy on ÖйúAƬ.

He told The Poppletonian that he had found himself going along with the carefully considered Universities UK position of generally agreeing to collaborate with everything the government proposed even if it undermined the core values and threatened the very existence of the institution to which he owed allegiance.

However, he insisted that this was "a far cry" from the actions of the infamous Norwegian traitor who had agreed to collaborate with everything the government proposed even if it undermined the core values and threatened the very existence of the nation to which he owed allegiance. He hoped that this now "clarified the situation".

Philosophical transactions

In an exciting development, Dr P.Q. Function, our Professor of Advanced Logic, has announced the establishment of a new research project to consider whether it is possible to detect any degree of logical incompatibility between David Willetts' proposal to obliterate the teaching grant for the humanities and social sciences and his recent assertion that "the humanities and social sciences are essential to a civilised society".

ÖйúAƬ

Dr Function said he expected that the project would be completed "within the next 20 minutes".

Help is at hand

"Our central ongoing concern is the reduction of anxiety." That was how our thrusting Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett, chose to describe the intention behind the establishment of a new staff advice centre.

ÖйúAƬ

Targett explained that any academic who felt, however vaguely, that their position within the university might in any way at all be threatened by the proposed 20 per cent across-the-board cut in the staffing budget could contact the centre for instant reassurance.

All they needed to do was dial 1299 and text the words "REDUNDANCY PACKAGE".

Vous parlez anything? Non

Our university has revealed that in common with the University of Glasgow, it will be introducing plans to cut all foreign language provision.

Announcing the decision, our Director of Curriculum Development, Janet Fluellen, insisted that she had nothing against students learning to speak languages other than their own but thought that, in common with other hobbies such as stamp collecting and quilt making, it was a pastime that people could very well carry out in the comfort of their own homes.

ÖйúAƬ

She described as "perverse" the allegation by Ted Odgers of our Media and Cultural Studies Department that the cuts would mean that the only foreign language still represented at Poppleton would be that currently spoken by members of our management team.

Thought for the week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realise I should have been more specific."

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk.