University newsletters should be more honest - THES, April 19

The Popperian

Poppleton's vice-chancellor gives enthralling lecture

Delegates attending the annual conference of the International Forum of ÖйúAƬ Management in Monte Carlo applauded Poppleton's vice-chancellor when he told them that the future of civilisation lay in their hands. "For too long we believed that ÖйúAƬ could manage itself. But now we realise that without taking advantage of industrial managerial techniques we will become irrelevant to the modern economy. Only the other day I heard a superannuated academic complain that his university's emphasis on production targets was changing the institution into little more than a biscuit factory. But, what's wrong with biscuit factories? (loud cheers). As long as they turn out good biscuits and as long as those biscuits are what the public wants, who are we to sit in judgement on them?" (even louder cheers).

Chief finance office honoured

The University of Poppleton's chief finance officer, H. G. Virement, has won the the British Creative Accounting Society's gold medal for a financial report commended by the judges for its "unique capacity to combine the thrillingly inaccurate with the wildly optimistic". Mr Virement was unable to receive the prize in person because of a prior engagement at a tax haven in Belize.

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Goodbye to our philosophy block

Last Thursday, Poppleton University said farewell to the building that once housed its philosophy department. At a ceremony to mark the redesignation of the building as a sauna for conference attendees, the deputy registrar praised the 14 members of the philosophy department who "left for pastures new" and declared, to laughter from an audience of fellow administrators, that he found some comfort in the knowledge that the renovated building would still be devoted to the production of hot air.

On other pages

* Drop in the number of indebted students committing suicide.

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* Five surplus professors accept generous redundancy terms.