Visitors to the Poppleton campus are reminded that tours of the Vice-Chancellor's house will take place every weekday afternoon at 2pm. Admission is ?5.00 and ticket-holders are requested to stay behind the red rope at all times and not attempt to handle the works of art.

Our ever-expanding Department of Human Resources will be closed for the next two weeks to allow contractors to install constructive dismissal equipment and an extra layer of rhetorical cladding.

Dr Piercemuller will be available to see his second-year supervisees this Thursday afternoon between 2.30pm and 3.30pm. Please wear your name badge.

The discovery in Residential Block H of a jam jar containing several microphytes and a selection of phytoplankton suggests that campus notices are not being observed by some visitors. Please note that fishing in the Biology Pond is strictly prohibited.

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Busman's holidays

Even during their annual ten-day summer break, many of Poppleton's leading academics and administrators simply can't give up their day job and happily spend their leisure time pursuing their occupational interests in novel locations. Here's a small sample.

• Mike Doppel, our Deputy Head of Signage, is ready to travel near and far in his search for cutting-edge examples of his specialism.
• Justin Fielding, the Head of our Department of Alternative Medicine, takes advantage of the break to replenish his department's supply of lizard's leg and hemlock root.
• Georgina Sprightly, assistant head of our ever-expanding Human Resources Department, is always ready to travel to distant locations to discover new forms of people management.
• Mr Ted Odgers, whose specialist research is in Marxist Studies, is never happier than when exploring the vexed question of the relationship between base and superstructure in this Derbyshire pothole.

Parlez-vous academe?

Our new website containing translations of phrases useful to holidaying academics continues to prove popular. Here are some more of the phrases and questions that you will find translated into leading European languages.

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We understand there is a Tintoretto somewhere in this church but can't seem to find the sign.

Do you have a selection of English novels that aren't all by Ken Follett?

Pardonnez-moi, but do all your croissants contain butter?

Do you have any non-allergic mussels?

Is there any particular reason why there is no one else in the sea?

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Do you have anything a little less authentic?

Correction

Dr D.W. Swansong of our Department of Botany for Business writes to say that our reference last week to his two-week cottaging holiday in Taunton was liable to misinterpretation. He asks us to point out that much of his holiday was actually spent in the neighbouring Quantock Hills. We are happy to set the record straight.

lolsoc@dircon.co.uk.