"I'm absolutely delighted by the result." That was the reaction of our vice-chancellor to the news that his old friend Sir Hartley Grossman, the Managing Director of Poppleton Pork Products, would shortly be taking up a seat on the university's Board of Governors.

According to documents obtained by The Poppletonian, Sir Hartley's election to the post was based on a unanimous decision by the three other local business leaders who make up the rest of the Board. Although access to Sir Hartley's manifesto remains restricted, it appears that his principal electoral commitment was to increasing the managerial power and take-home salary of the vice-chancellor.

Sir Hartley told our reporter, Keith Ponting (30), that his election was not only a triumph for the democratic process but also constituted an important step forward in the Board's ongoing commitment to the strategic goal of absolute non-accountability.

God is 'hopeful'

Our ecumenical chaplain, Georgina Spandrel, has given a warm ecumenical welcome to the leaked news that God has been shortlisted for the Head of Theology post being advertised at Liverpool Hope University.

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Although Ms Spandrel noted that God might be handicapped by a CV that was short on refereed publications, there could be no doubt that He/She would score highly on "impact".

Ms Spandrel also pointed to the other indications of the strength of God's candidature. On a recent visit to the city she had come across a prominent Wayside Pulpit bearing the question, "What would God do if he came to Liverpool today?"

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She told The Poppletonian that she did not feel that the theological import of this question was in any way undermined by the crudely scrawled response: "Sack Rafa Benitez."

From being to nothingness

Our thrusting Director of Corporate Affairs, Jamie Targett, has issued a strong statement in support of Middlesex University's decision to close down its Department of Philosophy.

Targett acknowledged that opponents of the closure had based their objections on Philosophy being the highest research-rated subject in the university with 65 per cent of its research activity judged "world-leading" or "internationally excellent" in the last RAE.

However, Targett pointed out that such arguments were essentially "self-serving" in that they appealed to such traditional philosophical concepts as rationality and logic, which "had no place in the corporate vision of a modern business-facing university going forward".

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Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

Here's a lovely piece of advice to all those who occasionally feel unloved: "The best vitamin for making friends is B1."

(A little confession. I had to read it twice before I got the point!).