Scores of journalists descended on Poppleton this week following the shock news that Professor Gordon Lapping, formerly Head of our Department of Media and Cultural Studies, is to set up his very own private little university.

In a short statement, Professor Lapping revealed that he had first considered such a move after learning that his existing department was to be merged with Poppleton's Department of Advanced Pork Products.

But what had finally led him to act had been a conversation with Mrs Betty Dunford of the Poppleton Cake Shop. When he had mentioned the idea to her during a visit to buy his customary wholemeal brown, she'd immediately suggested that he might like to take advantage of the spare rooms over the back of her bakery. It was for this reason that he'd abandoned his initial title of the New University of Media Studies and opted for the "friendlier" nomenclature of Cake Shop University.

Lapping further revealed that he had already secured the services of a number of "star" dons in the field of Media Studies. These included Dr Derek Quintock and Mr Ted Odgers. And in what he described as a "pedagogic coup", he announced that he had recruited the internationally known media don Dr Piercemuller, who had agreed to visit the new bakery campus when "time and circumstances allowed".

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Lapping also confirmed that the university would be outdoing Oxbridge by offering two-to-one tutorials involving one student and two academics and would be giving poorer students priority access to those cakes that were deemed by Mrs Dunford to have passed their best-by date.

Although he would be vice-chancellor, master and chief executive of CSU, Lapping anticipated that all operational matters such as the collection of the ?20,000 annual undergraduate fee would be assigned to Maureen once "she had recovered from her current bout of hysteria".

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From our new Head of Alumni

We are delighted to announce the appointment of Jez Gladboy as our new Head of Alumni Relations. Mr Gladboy has asked us to publicise the letter that he is currently sending to all former Poppleton students. We're happy to oblige.

From the Head of Alumni Relations

Hi there!

Absolutely fab to be in touch with you.

Hey, let me introduce myself. My name's "Jez" as in "Jez do it" and I'm the brand-new Head of Alumni Relations at the University of Poppleton. (Big name! Big job!)

One of the first things I want to do in my new job is to really get to know some of the past members of the good old Poppleton university community. And that means you! Oh yes, it does!

Sounds awesome? You bet. It's well good. High fives all round! That's the ticket! Rock on, baby!

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(We very much regret that for reasons of space we have had to cut the rest of this letter, which continues in much the same vein before eventually arriving at a "right on" standing-order form.)

Leaking confidence

In common with many other British universities, academic staff at Poppleton have recently taken part in a motion of no confidence in David Willetts, the universities and science minister. Here are the results to date:

NO, MINISTER

Absolutely no confidence whatsoever: 53.3%

Wouldn't trust him to run a whelk stall: 14.6%

Whatever happened to the old David Willetts?: 12.4%

Are you sure this is the same David Willetts?: 11.2%

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Really sure?: 4.5%

I still can't believe it: 2.6%

Talk about 'power corrupts': 1.4%

Thought for the Week

(contributed by Jennifer Doubleday, Head of Personal Development)

Next week's seminar, 'Am I Chair Material?', will consider the merits of uncut moquette.

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